Neons on a rainy night
Neons on a rainy night
Candle, Azabujuban 麻布十番
Person: What’s demisexuality?
Demisexual: It means you don’t get attracted to people unless there’s an emotional bond.
Person: Oh, so like, a normal person?
Demisexual: Actually, no, although I can see how you’d think that. Most people don’t have sex with people unless they have an emotional bond with them but that’s not really to do with sexuality, that’s just staying safe and having common sense.
’Normal’ people, although not intending to sleep with someone right away, still know, usually, whether they would be interested in doing that within a short amount of time, sometimes immediately. People come up to me and say “You’re attractive, can I have your number?” after just seeing me from across a bar. They’ve never spoken to me, don’t know who I am but still found me attractive and are thus interested in getting to know me more to see if they’d like to start a relationship.
Demisexuals don’t experience that. We don’t see underwear adverts and find the actors desirable. We don’t look at someone from across a room and think “they’re hot, I wonder if they’re single”. ‘Sex sells’ goes over our heads. Dating apps where you swipe pictures across the screen are useless. We literally don’t get attracted to people that quickly.
Person: Oh, I see. So it’s not just being picky or abstaining from sex, it’s literal lack of attraction?
Demisexual: Yes, you’ve got it.
Person: That must make dating difficult.
Demisexual: It does. Many of us are interested in dating but are limited to people we know emotionally. If someone asks for my number I then have to say to them ‘can we be friends for roughly two to three years, by then I should know whether I find you physically attractive and if I do we can start dating’. It’s sad because I don’t want to get people’s hopes up or seem like I’m leading them on. But I literally do have to know them for a while before I can get attracted to them if I do at all. It also meant growing up was a strange experience because everyone would be pointing out attractive people on TV, in magazines and when walking down the street and I just didn’t understand.
Person: Well thank you for taking the time to explain that to me. I understand now that there is a difference between abstaining from sex and actually lacking attraction.
Demisexual: No problem. It’s nice to be accepted and understood.
Demisexuals, you are real and valid. Just because people don’t understand what you go through that doesn’t mean what you go through is fake. Pride is about respecting and celebrating all sexualities and their nuances.
You should also note that demisexuality is common among those on the autism spectrum. To deny demisexuality is not only illogical but it’s also ableism. You’re erasing people’s symptoms because its convenient for you and because you don’t understand them.
Demisexuals just want to chill and exist. They don’t want fame and to be mollycoddled. They just want awareness and acceptance.
Let’s not hate on people just because we don’t understand.
Not demisexual, but I see these same issues in people’s understanding of asexuality. Demi folks, I feel your frustration!
GOOD post OP. I’ve been wondering “is this me” for some time and you’ve hit several nails on the head, from the confusion/vague distress at being hit on by apparently-sincere complete strangers to the way people become attractive over months and years once you get to know them.
you dont identify as queer and don’t wanna be called that? thats totally fine, I’ll respect that (as the majority of queer people do, but thats another conversation).
But I dont wanna be fucking called “q***r” or “q slur” or “qr” or any other censored version of the word. I am queer. I am not some filthy word for you to treat like it’s gonna burn a hole in your tongue.
You’d be rightfully furious if i started going around tagging posts with “gay” as “g slur” or “g*y” or post with “lesbian” as “l slur” or “l*****n.” that’d be homophobic as fuck. Both those words started as slurs, and were reclaimed and made into terms to describe an identity, just like queer has been. I recognize some people have trauma with the word queer, but the truth is some people are triggered by terms like “gay” after growing up in the modern age where every bad and undesirable thing was labeled “gay” by their peers, silently suffering with the knowledge that their peers would likely consider them bad and undesirable too, maybe even predatory or creepy. That wouldn’t give them the right to be homophobic or go telling people to tag it as a slur or even that they’re not allowed to identify with it. Its all the fucking same.
Don’t call me q***r. I am not a slur. I am not a homophobic, transphobic weapon. I am a human, and I am queer.
(REGs and TERFs/radfems don’t touch, this post isnt for you. everyone else can reblog.)
Sliema, Malta. November 2014.