this is patches, right? twitter.com/WeirdMedieval/…

guy from the year 10,000 adding lead and microplastics to his meals for an anthropocene diet because ancient humans built the bass pro shop pyramid and the lost city of miami

men: “alright time to relax” (boots up extremely stressful video game)

Science

it's wild that crypto is collapsing so suddenly and melodramatically. who could have guessed that my pyramid built on stilts, in quicksand, in a hurricane zone, out of matchbooks and playing cards would not be a safe place to live

The worst part of being nonbinary is not getting to shout anything during Hey Ya

it's so funny that alabama had to re-write their anti-trans legislation because it accidentally banned circumcision

this could’ve been avoided if you built roads that led literally anywhere else

sometimes i wonder if i was drawn to twitter because of my tiny little attention span or if i have a tiny little attention span because of twitter and then i move on to something else

okay, definitely not like the biggest deal i guess, but this shit is like nails on a chalkboard to me

The last thing every boss sees in my #EldenRing playthrough 👥

Liberals went from “it’s time to fucking riot” to “it’s inappropriate to bother Kavanaugh at his house” in like 72 hours.

I mean, the SCARIEST thing the men who wrote ALIEN (1979) could think of was a living thing taking up residence in your torso then bursting out of you.

How do people go through life without a bunch of stupid tattoos. You’re gonna look like a loser in the old people’s home

in Elden Ring, do you downvote messages lying about hidden paths and sell armaments and armor you don't want, or are you normal?

I hope a weird guy doesn't buy Email

BREAKING: World's biggest clown purchases world's largest circus

@booleanfitz At least wait for something to change before actually leaving? See how things shake out?

The curse of having seen it all before is that you notice you keep seeing the same shit forever, I guess

@skyesidhe I have the broken brakes dream all the time and I don’t even drive

hmmm if lawmakers think we should base things on "brain maturity," it's weird that we don't use 25 as the legal age for jury duty, marriage, military service, voting, tattoos, piercings, alcohol, weed, tobacco, credit cards, lottery tickets, apartment rentals, adoption... twitter.com/GBBranstetter/…

FRAUD SCAM ALERT: a thread

As some of you know my day job is as a mid-level executive with a very large financial institution

Wanted to send a heads up about a scam that we are not only seeing at my bank but was attempted on me as well with one of my accounts at another bank

If you hate the idea of having to wear a mask on an airplane against your will, wait until you hear about having to carry an unwanted pregnancy inside your body on an airplane against your will.

My iPhone thought I was “in bed” for four hours while I played Elden Ring last night, despite me

1) getting up to stand every hour
2) fighting against several dungeon bosses, with that heart racing feel and everything

Is this just because I didn’t use my phone for that time?

@frogs4girls the p in pussy is for proletariat the b in bussy is for bourgeoise

Not having to wear a mask on the plane but still having to take your shoes off at the TSA checkpoint is peak failure to assess risk.

Just found out that America has laws against drinking in public. you have an extremely individualist atomised culture but can't even have a little bevvy in the park when the sun is out???

i was on tumblr when yahoo had to sell it for $3 million after buying it for $1.1 billion. we were all a little bit responsible for losing yahoo a billion dollars. and with that type of collective effort, i believe we here on twitter can lose elon musk even more

@thearkansasleft socially liberal [im not racist]
fiscally conservarive [but,]

A buried lead: This small Illinois college serving black students is slated to close following a ransomware attack on its admissions systems.

chicagotribune.com/news/ct-lincol…

Would love to see somebody in the national tech media pick this up.

PSA for anybody else who owns these cups!!!!! They have 10000x the legal amount (today) of lead in the paint and CADMIUM

a lot of "weird towns" (portland, boulder, austin) are simply coasting on their claim to weirdness and havent had an old guy with a hat full of feathers who lives in a scrapyard art gallery house in ten years or more and none of the young genuine weirdos can afford rent there.

what is a headcrab if not a spicy dodgeball

Dear homo/transphobes: Stop giving us the best ammo ever

This fuckin *rips* I would have this on a shirt in a second

every piece of media that Teaches Kindness or whatever has a fanbase that will wish death upon you if you don't love it

damn turns out telling young voters to stop complaining and ignoring all their concerns isn't a viable long term strategy twitter.com/politico/statu…

@maggiekarp the other day I was watching a twitch streamer and he took a break from gaming to have a snack and just chugged a raw egg.

The current Elden Ring Any% run involves using a metronome to exploit a glitch in the blocking animation which sends you flying many miles outside the intended play space, causing the geometry of the whole world to unload to save memory and making the final boss fall to its death

How to escape the minotaur's labyrinth (thread 🧵)

I just received my 2nd Moderna booster vaccine, and I feel good! I am still going to wear my mask and keep my distance because the virus ain’t over, Fool! Grrr

are we living through traumatic event after traumatic event or are we just the first generation with worldwide communication and social media and life has actually always been this fucking horrific?

Everyone on my team (5 men ages 48-75) texts me to make sure the slang they’re using is correct in context. Some examples below:

BREAKING: I just signed an Executive Order changing the New Jersey State Bird to the Middle Finger. 🖕

"work from home isn't fair to people whose jobs have to be done in person"

as someone whose job has to be done in person, I can assure you that most people drive like they are actively fighting a live raccoon and I want as many of you off the roads as possible at all times

31 years since my dad sent me to the shop for a tin of red and white striped paint and the shopkeeper sent me back to ask him if he wanted horizontal or vertical, and i sussed out on the way home what was going on and then kicked the front door so hard it broke.

@mgates_com so, mayo is egg pesto, basically

thanks!

mayonnaise is mostly eggs, right?

so how come when you heat it it doesn't expand and harden like eggs do?

Male friendships are chill af. No drama, no bullshit. Haven’t seen or contacted my best friend in 10 years

what is a cat, if not a weird little dumbass

Best bug: Siri interprets a request as "multiply the distance between two cities by the net box office earnings of the movie The Train"

honestly, twitter topic suggestions bother me more than the ads. every time a tweet looks interesting and it turns out to have been a suggestion I feel guilty for being tricked and X out the topic no matter how much I might actually be interested in it

tumblr just enabled payments to get an ad-free version. I know this has been widely mocked on tumblr, but I am a sucker for paying to not see ads.

now, if only twitter would let me buy the same, an ad-free experience (with hopefully no topic suggestions in the timeline)

I still say octopi because I'm waiting for someone to say "um actually the word octopus is derived from Greek not Latin so the correct plural form is octopodes" so that I'll get to say "octopodes nuts"

@RustyWoodstock It’s more fleshed out, and less obviously a skin on borderlands (e.g., actual character creation, melee can actually be effective, and you get a huge variety of spells instead of grenades). So far I like it more than the expansions AND the mainline borderlands games

only the most annoying people on the planet could find a way to make the best thing to ever happen at the oscars a Serious Issue Worthy of Discourse

One of the WORST things about white middle class culture is the idea that making a scene is literally the worst thing you can do

Middle class white people will let someone hurt you to
d e a t h in front of them rather than make a scene

and then congratulate themselves for it

Dropkick Murphys openly challenging a bunch of neonazis to a fight because they used one of their songs in a video is the best thing I've seen in a while

It's really funny how America and the UK stopped investing in infrastructure in the 1980s because the free market will pave potholes and make the trains run on time and now literally nothing works and you cannot go anywhere or do anything but like 4 people are richer than God.

I love when Gandalf finds out the magic ring Bilbo has is the one ring and he's like oh fuck no way. It must be like finding out a dog you know has gotten possession of an ICBM.

“You were always destined either for greatness or to be legally categorized as construction equipment”

Tiny Tina’s Wonderlands has an admirably low key approach to body type during character creation:

“This One” or “That One”

And you can then choose from eight voices and three pronoun sets, regardless of body type

Oh, I guess Fallout Shelter technically came out before Fallout 4. What is time

I guess they will have to break the pattern for Fallout 5 (no news, just thinking about it)?

it'll be at least the tenth game in the series (after Fallout Shelter and Fallout 76), but 1010 (ten in binary) implies too many vaults (the highest seen is 121 fallout.fandom.com/wiki/Vault/Loc…)

Fallout 3 was the fifth game in the series (after Tactics and BoS), and its vault is 101 (5 in binary).

Fallout 4 was the seventh in the series (after New Vegas), and its vault is 111 (7 in binary).

of course no one wants to work, there's no reward for living in society anymore

i don’t understand why white ppl would want to use AAVE when they have terms like “watch it buster” or “oh for pete’s sake”, or my personal favorite “why i oughta”, these are so fun to hear

Did you know all your parents' haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

i cannot believe the new parry hotter game is literally "you must suppress a goblin rebellion and keep them subjugated, and you see the goblins are uh, stealing wizard children and uh-"

does... does no one see what that is? did not one fuckin person at that studio go 'hey uhhhh'

I cannot emphasize enough how sporting competition is just a sorting mechanism to find the most genetically unearthly people in existence for any given task, and that only increases as you increase in theoretical population level of competition (local, state, country, world) twitter.com/christapeterso…